In a time where “Keeping Up With The Kardashian’s,” reigns supreme; and social media websites are perfectly curated to annoy the absolute hell out of you, constantly blowing up your feed with everyone putting out their #Blessings, can easily make you count your misfortunes, instead of your own breaks, greatness, and relatively good fortunes. We become so consumed and infatuated with what everyone else is doing, instead of focusing on the ever existence of ourselves, that we completely lose sight of the grander picture. When it rains, it pours, right?
I started to get into a really bad funk during our summer break this year…. Before the funk, I was on it. I was that “perfect” mom with the calendar of events all around the community, highlighted and timed out perfectly for each bright new day. I had meals and snacks prepped for the family, the kids were loving their “new” schedule where we ate outside more, and relaxed on some of the educational avenues structured around a classroom type environment. I even managed to shimmy into a pair of jeans I had worn right after having my first… (Mom’s you know the ones where you lose all that hospital weight, and you’re not eating because if you take a break for one second your shiny new bundle of joy will roll off of something, and you’re not sleeping because it’s for losers… You’re basically living off coffee…what’s that diet called? Deprivation? We’ll go with that… anyway, it looked great on me!). Life was effervescent and unconstrained. I legit was living my version of a lifetime movie.
However after several weeks, the children became bored. My son needed more structure, which I knew would happen, but for a tiny millisecond, I thought I had the up on Autism. Shortly after the demise of summer, I received a call from our early childhood specialist that my son would NOT be going to our designated home campus this coming August. The year he is starting general Ed. Pre-K with in-class support. The year I felt confident in finally having a place to call our “second-home.” A place filled with familiar faces and familiarities that give not just me, but my son, peace of mind. A place I could finally breathe at….. Nope, we won’t be attending there. To some, you may think; “just deal with it, and start over.” You clearly haven’t been following along, and that’s okay…. my job is to educate. With autism, you never really know what you are going to get. No two cases are the same. However, structure and routine are a HUGE benefit when leading these children. It’s critical that once you have them on a schedule to follow it consistently. Yes, you can break away from the routine here and there, because life will happen, but it is not suggested without preparation.
I could feel the ball in my throat growing larger and larger after receiving such news. From then on out, everything just seemed kind of “blah” to me. How do I prep my son for this? Who is his teacher going to be? Will she reach out to me before school starts? Will I have to fill out MORE paperwork? Are my pants getting TIGHTER?!?! I tried to hold on to that “perfect” mom persona, but I felt her slipping away more and more. I went into the grocery store and immediately envied the mom with three children sitting in a cart, quietly. I went to make a call and opened the camera up to see Jaba-The-Hut looking straight at me, Who the F is that?! Oh yeah, just me. I tried taking a brisk walk, only to feel enraged over the Texas heat. I scurried through Instagram only to see toned-tanned bodies partying it up in Mykonos….. it all added insult to injury. Literally everything was pissing me off.
I had a revelation though. As one tends to do in their darkest hour. An epiphany of sorts, while laying in bed writing in my journal…. trying to make myself feel better. I knew I was self-sabatoging. I was purposely turning my head away from all the good that was actually happening all around me. I’ve learned that we cannot control all the things that happen in our lives, as crappy and horrendous as they may be, but we can control our reaction to them. I was choosing to stay in a funk. Choosing to focus on everyone else’s #Blessings, and dig myself a deeper hole to lay down in. Everyday is not going to be a great day, but you can find the good in each day. Don’t kick yourself when you’re already down. Brush yourself off and figure out how you are going to set the best example not only for yourself, but for your children. Take time to appreciate all the little things that make your world, “your” world. Even if that means crawling into bed and cuddling with your littles, or taking that much needed power-nap, or having that glass of wine. Remember how important real-life is, and look at how far you’ve come given the bumpy road you’ve experienced along the way! I feel you, and I see you…. Let’s chat soon ❤